An email I received from my (ex) husband*...

I feel like a jackass sendin' you this, but whenever I think about who the love of your life is, I think of 4 or 5 different people. When I think of who I would say, ya know, at the pearly gates, it would be you--no question, not even close. You are the greatest person I've known. I want to be with you...not now, not in a few weeks or a few months; but my life won't be complete until I am with you again. I Love you...always have...always will.

Julian

Why? Why is he sending this? I mean, this just pulls at my heart strings. Like I haven't been through enough. At what point do people grow up? I know it took me about thirty years to recognize that my life was a result of my choices, and to change my life I had to make better choices. And I thought I had heard this from him. So why is it so difficult for him to live like he knows this? I guess I know the answer to all these questions. I mean, I've been there. I know the answers entirely too well. Maybe this is just me standing on my high horse again. I don't want to be that person.

I can't go back to the part of my heart that hears this tune and wants to be wooed by it, wants to run towards it. I'm fighting that part of my heart right now. It's an unhealthy relationship, at least that's what it's always been. And I have to make the choice that I'm UNWILLING to participate in unhealthy relationships. I did this same thing with my friend Christina - I established boundaries. And I'm in a better place for it. And according to family and friends, she's in a better place, for whatever reason.

If Julian wants to be any part of my life - other than the children - he'll have to create a healthy life for himself and that healthy life will appeal to me and I'll be attracted back to him. I don't mean back into a partner relationship with him, but in some meaningful, friendship-type relationship.

OK, can I just say that sometimes I really hate having to be a grown-up. Sometimes I don't feel like doing the right thing, the smart thing, the responsible thing. Sometimes I just want to answer my heart with a resounding "YES!" Sometimes I really just long for the path of least resistance. (Can I get a witness?)

But I have a much healthier life. And I have two beautiful babes. And I have a relationship with my God and Saviour. And I know it took a lot of hard work and grace and good choices and decisions to get to this place. So I refuse to throw it all away, to abandon my current path. I'll remain steadfast, headed due North. And when it's not for me, it will be for them.

*I'm trying to finalize the "ex" part. He somehow keeps dodging the server (the guy who's serving him the papers). This is costing me immense heartache and I really want this chapter to be over.