Cry Me A River*

I have no idea how to express my current state. Mostly I'm on a path to rebuilding. I'm broken. And yet - oddly - I'm in a better place than I've been in awhile. I'm waking up from a very long, very bad dream. I'm a little scared and tentative. And at the same time, I'm a little hopeful and eager. I've released all romantic relationships and I'm working towards self-discovery and self-love. I feel a little lost without a relationship with which to define myself. I feel a lot hurt from my most significant relationship - as if my best friend died all over again. And the ugliest part is that I have hate in my heart, mixed with the most dire sense of love and longing. Whoever said it's a thin line between love and hate - now I get it.

I'm getting by, making it, moving forward. Some days I'd just like to stay in bed. What's the point of getting along without the love of your life walking beside you? And worse, how about if that person betrayed you - twice. It's like I can't live without him, and yet I never want to see him or speak to him again. (Jimbo, I know you hear me on this one.)

So today is just one of those days I need to get these feelings out and onto virtual paper. I need to be able to look back one day and see how much stronger I've become through these situations and circumstances. I'm sure, eventually, I will overcome all this grief and longing and loathing and move into a better place inside myself and in my life.

Maybe Santa will bring me a wonderful friend - someone who'll love all my quirks and idiosyncracies, and forgive me all my shortcomings. Enjoy me and my company and the love I have in my heart to offer. Unfortunately, Santa will need to wait until next year to bring that person. I'm afraid I have nothing left to give right now.


*Sometimes I give my posts a title after I've written them. This was one of those times.