Because I have to get it out somewhere...*

I use this blog for a lot of reasons, but the biggest reason is to have ONE PLACE where I can go and dump all my negativity. I don't like to dump it on my friends or family or my kids. So I try to always dump it here. Sometimes, however, it's overbearing and it leaks out all over my loved ones. I hate those times. This weekend was one of them. I was so anxiety-filled and neurotic I thought I was going to explode. I actually ventured out on Saturday, for my daughter's sake, to go for a bikeride-slash-walk. It was a HUGE accomplishment. To leave the house, that is. Anyway, I have written the following to help me deal with my feelings:

Dear Julian,

I'm not sure what's happening to me. I used to be so confident and sure of myself. And there was even a time when I was sweet and caring. Not only was I able to deal with the world, I actually egged it on. "Come on, world! Gimme your best shot! I can take it! I can deal with anything!" Well, apparently, the world listened. I am falling apart and I don't have you here to hold onto while I'm falling. You always played that role, and now you're gone.

And you. Now YOU are a huge betrayal and new reason for me not to trust ever again. How can it...? How could it...? How did I not know? I FUCKING BELIEVED YOU!!!!!!! You were supposed to be there forever. I COUNTED on you. You promised. And you lied. And you betrayed. And now I'm left empty. Fucking psycho. I can barely function. Who's gonna want me now? And how do I find my way back? Where did my self-confidence go? Where's my will? How do I live day to day? And how am I going to fare in the future? I am EXACTLY the person I never believed I'd be. Completely broken. I hate what you've destroyed in me. And I love you and miss you. Not your destruction. I don't miss that. I just miss the couple we were together. And I want that again. But not the lies and the betrayal and the hatred and the distrust and the anger and the violence and the negativity. Just the good stuff. I still believe in it. It was really there. Good stuff is really there somewhere and I want somebody to TELL ME HOW TO FIND IT, GODDAMMIT! I want the tools necessary to weather the race. I don't have to place, I just want a shot at the run, too.

Fuck you. Fuck everything. Make it work. Make it stop. Help me make it. Fucking SOMETHING. DO SOMETHING!

That's all I have for you. For now.

*You are privy to this information because I've allowed you in on a very important, fragile piece of my life - please don't abuse it.